Release of Sorrow
by doomedAquarius
Summary: Kankri is once again writing in his journal and finds that it is not relieving the stress he is feelin build up inside of him like it usually does. One thing leads to another, and he ends up taking drastic measures. A/N: I am s9rry if this is a h9rrible summary, 6ut I am extremely inadequate at writing summaries.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Release of Sorrow

Author: doomedAquarius (A/N: I 9wn n9thing except the pl9t line.)

Pairing: Cronus Ampora X Kankri Vantas (A/N: Well, s9rt 9f.)

#TW #Self-hate #L9ss-9f-l9ved-9nes #Self-harm #Unrequited-l9ve(as-far-as-we-kn9w)

_I am s9 c9nfused. Latula is 6eautiful and kind and perfect and I have 6een h9pelessly flushed f9r her f9r f9rever but….. S9meh9w, against all 9dds, it is n9t her wh9 c9mes int9 my mind when I feel the need t9 have an9ther 6eing 6y my side._

_Instead 9f red glasses glinting in the m99nlight, I picture n9w c9l9rless eyes which were 9nce sparkling amethysts swirled with s9 much em9ti9n that it was alm9st as if they were truly wind9ws int9 the pers9n's s9ul. Instead 9f the smell 9f dust fr9m the r9ad kicked up 6y "__tot4lly r4d wh33ls_" _, the scent which cl9uds my senses is that 9f cigarette sm9ke. Instead 9f a tight fitting skater 9utfit rushing 6y me, I feel a warm leather jacket sur9unding me and 9nce again pr9tecting a stranger fr9m the elements instead 9f the 9ne t9 which it 6el9ngs._

_His laughter and smile haunt me…. H9w can s9me9ne wh9 l9st their 6est friend t9 the darkness 9f a cruel game n9ne 9f us wanted t9 play and is hated 6y alm9st all 9thers 6e s9 happy 9r at least put 9n such a happy act? His eyes draw me in….. Even with9ut the vi9let c9l9r I miss s9 much they still have a life like quality which all the rest have l9st. 6ut m9st 9f all…. I wish he c9uld truly see me…. 6ecause I fear that, like all the rest, when he l99ks at me he 9nly sees the mask I put 9n f9r the w9rld t9 see s9 that it d9es n9t sees my pain._

_I can n9t help that my heart seems t9 skip a 6eat, even th9ugh I kn9w it d9es n9t 6ecause that s9rt 9f b9dily reacti9n can n9t 6e caused 6y such trivial things, when he puts his arm ar9und my sh9ulder; 9r that my my cheeks seem t9 burn, alth9ugh I kn9w it is 9nly my shameful carmine 6l99d rushing t9 my face t9 give away my the feeling which I try t9 6ury deep inside 9f me, whenever he calls me that h9rrend9us nickname which I have many a time asked him t9 st9p calling me. H9wever, I kn9w deep d9wn that the 9nly reas9n he flirts with me is t9 get P9rrim's attenti9n… I wish he c9uld 6e flushed f9r me, 6ut I kn9w that it is 9nly a fantasy I indulge in my mind t9 keep the s9rr9w at 6ay 6ecause the 9thers are right. _

**_I AM INSUFFERABLE._**

**_~X~_**

Kankri softly places his pen and cards his fingers through his unmanageable hair whilst carefully avoiding his highly sensitive nubs of horns. A sigh escapes his thin lips as he closes the small black book which is the only place he can safely pour his emotions into. He slides both the book and carmine pen into the drawer of his side table, yet he hesitates to shut it. This pause is caused by his eyes falling upon the only other item within: which could also help relieve the tumultuous emotions which are still coursing through his system. ((No!)) The troll mentally screams at himself. ((You swore you would never fall back into that horrible habit ever again.!))

He slams the drawer shut before he can change his mind, and moments later he hears heels clicking along the hall. A short rap on the door is all the warning he gets before his jade blooded moirail sticks her head in the door to check on him. "Are you alright, Kanny? I heard a slam. What happened?"

"Oh nothing, Porrim. I merely became startled, and I accidentally shut the drawer a bit harder than i intended. I apologize if I triggered you… It can be quite hard to tag triggers when you are not just speaking about them." He lies to her. His eyes meet hers, and he forces himself not to look away: because if he does she'll know somethings up.

"A'ight whatever you say, Kanny. I'm going out for bit to hang out with Meenah and Aranea so I'll be back later."

"Have a nice time, Porrim." The short troll calls after her as she shuts the door to his respite block. Moments after he hears the front door to their shared hive shut he collapses back onto his sleeping platform shakily. Rolling onto his side, the carmine blood curls into a tight ball; however, as time passes only unease finds him instead of the sleep he desperately needs. The emotions are becoming too much, and he's starting to believe that no amount of writing will be enough to relieve them.

((Just once more can not hurt that much can it?)) He asks himself desperate for relief, but another side of himself promptly answers. ((That is what you say every time, Kankri Vantas, and every time you break the promise you made before to never repeat that despicable act again.)) The distraught troll rolls around a while longer struggling to keep his self-promise this time around, yet moments later her reaches over into the drawer which he shut only a while ago and grabs the item he had forbidden himself to touch. His legs swing over the side of the bed and his feet meet the cold hardwood causing him to shiver.

His feet bring him silently him to the icy linoleum of the ablution block, yet this time he doesn't notice because he's too caught up in his reflection which stares back at him in disgust from its glass prison. Slowly rolling up his right sleeve, he stares at the old scars which he has traced a million times and spell out the word he has come to believe himself to be "INSUFFERABLE". Placing the tip of the razorblade, which he had kept in his nightstand drawer for sweeps now, at the "I"s beginning he drags it across his his skin. Pain blossoms across his skin and crimson liquid follows it. His breath is sharp at first, but fades into a soft sigh as the tension and turmoil seeps out with his life blood. "Worthless" he murmurs and makes the next incision into his gray flesh. "Unwanted… Stupid" he chokes out as he completes the "N". This pattern continues with a new and more derogatory adjective falling from his lips with every stroke.

By the time he reaches the "E" he's starting to feel the effects of the blood loss, but he keeps going. Soon a paler shade of red runs down his cheeks to drip down & mingle with it's darker sibling. The final stroke comes, and he slumps against the sink mind fuzzy from the loss of blood and murmurs to himself, "But most of all, undeserving of love or pity from anyone… especially from Cronus…."

The End?

A/N:

The reason I put a question mark as t9 if this is the end 9r n9t is that this is as far as i 9riginally (and truthfully still intent t9) bring it. H9wever, my Cr9nus read it and enj9yed it s9 wh9 kn9ws. May6e she will help me (9r just d9 it herself) write a sec9nd chapter fr9m Cr9nus's p9int 9f view, 9r may6e she'll just inspire me. *Shrug* Either way special thanks t9 my Cr9nus wh9 in a way inspired me (alth9ugh she d9esn't kn9w it).

Als9 I ap9l9gize f9r the way this fanficti9n is presented. The way my c9mputer upl9ads the st9ries makes them c9me 9ut strange f9r s9me reas9n. I am deeply s9rry if this has 69thered y9u.


	2. Chapter 2

He wasn't always an outcast. Things used to be different. He was once cared for. He was once accepted. He was once loved - even if only platonically. He is now looked down upon. He is now shunned. He is now hated - only platonically. When did it all change? What did he do to deserve this? Why couldn't it all just go back to how it was before? Back then he had hope, but just as all others of his bloodline which would come after him that hope was destroyed. It was shattered with no chance of ever being repaired. He knows what it feels like to lose the person closest to him. He knows what is feels like to be ridiculed and betrayed by those he thought he could trust. He knows what it feels like to love someone who could never love him back. His name is Cronus Ampora, and he knows pain of the deepest kind.

To look at him many would see a flirtatious prick who cares nothing of the opinions of others and thinks of no one but himself, and how wrong you would all be. This violet blood has been broken thoroughly and cares only of the opinion of others. It is the mask he puts on that others see and judge. The mask that was forced upon him by the teasing and hate of others - of the people he thought he could trust: the other members of his session. In regards to his flirting it is all in jest, and if you look closely enough you can tell. His affections lay with one and one alone.

The violet blood of which we speak lays upon his human bed looking up at the ceiling of his respite block. As the moons set his mind begins to wander to the scarier places he keeps them from in the moonlight. Many things haunt him from the past and present, and this is the time he uses to remember each one. He no longer clenches it all inside, allowing his skin to shed royal violet tears instead of his eyes. As he lays there alone pale lilac tears streak down his cheeks silently. Scenes replay themselves in his head over and over again. Everyone slowly turning against him, his best friend burning out in a useless attempt to save them, the one he loves taking the vow of celibacy which will forever bar him from ever returning his feelings, but worst of all when its all over he is left with an empty hollowness which is impossible for words to describe. So many times before he had searched for a way to end this eternal existence, but now he is resined to living like this for an eternity: cold, and hollow, and so very alone.

Getting up he dries his tears and tries to massage the tenseness out of his shoulders, yet it lingers. Sighing he peeks out his hive curtains jerking back as the searing light hits him. "Damn… I really need ta think things through better…" His hand rubs circles in the slight burn adorning his cheek. His shirt hits the floor, he kneels to open a trapdoor in his floor. Alabaster eyes stare in2 inky depths. His fingertips meet icy water, and he shuts his eyes taking a deep breath. It's been a long time since he's swam: mostly due to his slightly defective gills which make it slightly difficult for him to breath underwater. The best way he's been able to describe it is like when you have a cold and can only partially breath.

He knows its not the smartest idea, but he dives in allowing the icy water to envelope him. It clears makes him feel alive again. The icy cold makes his body work to keep warm, and the exertion makes his lungs burn from lack of oxygen. This is a feeling he missed and didn't even realize it until now. He dives deeper and deeper pushing his limits, and soon he can feel his brain getting fuzzy in the way he imagines Mit's is all the time. He lungs burn as if there is a fire within them, and his heart pounds loud in his ears like a steel drum. He knows he needs to stop soon. He knows he needs air, or he'll black out… But the problem is he doesn't want to stop. He wants the physical pain so that it can wash away the mental torture even if only for awhile.

With the last bit of strength and air he has left he make a shot for the surface breaking it in on of the secluded underwater caves he used to explore as a child and now seeks sanctuary and peace in. As he reaches the surface warm salty air hits his lungs in sweet relieve and he rolls onto his back to float in the nearly pitch darkness: only his sea-dweller eyes allow enough light in for him to see even in these conditions. However, right now he doesn't want to see so he closes his eyes and merely listens and feels. He listens to his heart and breathing slowly turn from frantic to nearly and feels a strange calm wash upon him. He listens to the water lap upon the the cave wall and feels it lap upon his skin.

For once in a very long while he feels calm and almost whole. He's forgotten how good it feels to just let the water take it all away. To let it drown his fears and sorrows and hold him up away from reality and its pain. It holds him like a lusus, and here it seems he can allow his mind to forget everything that has happened… Everything that has changed him. He slowly allows the darkness of unconsciousness take him, and the last words on his mind as he does so are, "I'm sorry… I couldn't save you Mit… And, Kanny…. I'm so sorry that I can't seem to be able to put my feelings aside for your sake….."

* * *

**A/N:**

**Hell9 every9ne. I am s9 s9rry that i t99k me this l9ng t9 finally put this chapter 9ut. I have had writers 6l9ck f9r what seems like f9rever. H9pe all 9f y9u enj9yed this chapter, and there will 6e an9ther 9ne 9n the way... I just need t9 write it 9ut. I h9pe t9 see all 9f y9u ar9und here in the future, but until the this is g99d-6ye. **


End file.
